I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
