If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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