Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
