he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
