remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
