no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
