She announced her abortion via fbk
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
