my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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