nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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