I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
