If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
