the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
