tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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