Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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