Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
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