i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
