im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
