just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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