dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
