i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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