It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
