Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
