I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
