Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
