I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
