I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
