dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
