Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
