threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
