I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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