naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
