Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think my nap took me to another dimension
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
you made out with another girl for some wings
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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