I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
