i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.