I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
