My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.