The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related