Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
