I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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