Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
