I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
