i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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