dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
