I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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