I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
