WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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