I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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