There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
