Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
