So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
