Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
