If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
