Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
