Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
