Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
