I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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