he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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