Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
